Conflicted
I told someone about a year and a half ago that I feel like a walking conflict. I still do.
I'm happy and sad, blessed and frustrated, dissatisfied and content, anxious and peaceful, grateful and taking things for granted, certain and confused all at the same time.
Seth and Shani are pretty amazing children, and they have a way of making me feel like the most blessed dad on the planet. I love it when I come home and they are so happy to see me. One night last week when we were praying before bedtime, they prayed, "Thank you that dad was able to play with us tonight." That made me want to be home every night, giving them lots of love and attention.
They are growing up fast and getting smarter every day. I taught them how to play chess over the holidays and it won't be long before they can both beat me. I am especially amazed at how quickly Shani (5) is learning and able to comprehend the idea of considering multiple moves.
Kim has resumed home schooling and Seth is working hard and progressing well. They are the best children a father could ever have.
I've had some heart-warming interaction with several clients over the last few days as they have shared their stories with me. We have talked and prayed and anticipated the future and expressed our gratitude to God for allowing us to meet. It's hard to believe the number of people God has brought into my life. Even though it may be for only a brief season, they are impacting my life and I trust that they are experiencing the love of Jesus as He listens and speaks to them through me. Now if I can just get some closings...
I'm reading a pretty amazing book now called The Starfish & the Spider. It's about the unstoppable force of leaderless organizations. It's not necessarily meant to speak to church issues, but it is full of truth that ends up being pretty descriptive of the growth of the early church, and definitely supports the philosophy that drives the organic/simple church movement. The people we worship with weekly are growing more in love with Jesus and one another, and I look forward to what we're going to learn together this year.
I am not at all sure where my life is going these days, or where God is leading me. I love working in real estate but the income is too sporadic. My brothers think I am not fulfilling a call to ministry since I'm not a vocational pastor. I can't fully comprehend why, but I just can't get excited about the idea of doing that again. I think I'm afraid of the idea that maybe that's where God wants me. I don't think it is where He wants me. But that's the point. I just don't know. I'm conflicted.
I do know that I'm not satisfied with my own lack of zeal and passion for those who have nothing and don't know Jesus. I'm frustrated with my own insatiable appetite for focusing on myself, and I really don't want to live another passionless day with the goal of merely surviving.
Paul said, "I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his suffering." That's what I want, too - minus the suffering. But I don't think you can have one without the others, so it's time to rest and let God lead and enjoy this wild ride.
posted by Scott @ 10:17 PM
1 Comments:
I can identify with being "conflicted", that's for sure Scott. I had 13 years of it being in Christian radio, and to a degree, still live in that...not knowing for sure where God wants me. And I certainly understand the part about being frustrated with being focused on oneself, rather than on others. We're Americans...that's how we were brought up...being independent, and thinking about oneself and how to get ahead. It's hard to get out of that mindset. But...certainly a journey worth going on. What I'm frustrated with/concerned about is being complacent with my own walk now that I'm in a seemingly steady, better job. More on that later maybe.
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